About Me
Guest Writings
Quote of the Day
Last Updated 12-25-2001


Fear really is a funny thing. The way it keeps your running. Makes you think you don't want to let a secret out. And when you start getting the urge to let out that secret, you think "No, that'll just make things worse."
I've got a lot on my mind right now, folks, so don't mind me if I don't make much sense. Let's say this much. Awhile back my friends got involved in things regarding myself that they probably shouldn't have. Or, in the last, it wasn't really any of their business. And for anyone who may know what I mean by this, I mean even farther back than that.
And it all blew up in my face. My secret got out, and, well, yeah.
And then, later...months later...To quote Secret of Mana, "Time flows like a river, and history repeats." Friends got involved with my life, parts of it that again weren't any of their business. And it all blew up in my face. And until tonight, I thought the second time around wasn't quite as bad...more joy, less anguish afterwards....
And, well, can't tell you exactly why happened this time...too personal and too many people who might read this are involved. Anyway...
Fear kept me running all that time, and until tonight I thought maybe I was getting away from fear. Finally. This has to be the worst Christmas present I've ever gotten.

What Do You Do?

First of all, to anybody who's read "fear"...this ties into last night. However, the thing that made me REALLY afraid again...that's gone now.
What do you do when a friend comes to you and asks you something about another friend...and even though you're not 100% sure you should you say you'll keep the question a secret. What do you do when you know it won't end well? When you think people could get really hurt by it? What do you do when someone hides something from you-- something you may have wanted to know? What do you do when you have relief one moment, and the next it's all gone and you're back to chaos? What do you do when it feels like there's a war going on inside and you know who you're fighting for...but it just gets old sometimes, knowing that war's going on?
What do you do when you wonder if the person you have a thing for will ever view you as possibly being *anything* more than a friend? What do you do? You reach out for God and find solace in Him. But you still wonder. There's too much stuff in this world that won't end well. And I mean waaay too much stuff. Take murder, war, etc. for instance. Those things aren't gonna end well.
What do you do? Sometimes it just makes you think.

On Life and Soup
(Minus the old Quote of the Day it had)

(Written awhile back)

I'm sitting here at my mom's computer listening to my friend CF talk about soup. Life isn't like soup at all. Just an FYI, I suppose. (Written Later) I'd like to take a moment to put out some thoughts on human thought. I know because it happened to me once that a small seed can be planted -- a seed as small as a pressure put on oneself by another -- and that this small seed can grow into paranoia and fear. Fear is one of the darkest feelings humans get. It's sort of like the feeling you get around someone you like, but it's got a different feel to it--and it's active in your mind as well as down in your stomach. It can make you nauseous, even. Best thing I know of to do is to talk about it, but not too much, and ask God to help you through it. He helps me with my fears and paranoia, and is still doing so.

(Written awhile back)

Down. Falling--gonna hit whatever it is with your face. Colors, all around you. Swirling like gasses on Jupiter, and making up the walls around you. You try and touch the walls, but your hands go right through them. You stry and escape, but somehow you stay trapped, falling farther still.
Suddenly you feel like there's no gravity. Then you feel gravity again. It keeps switching, until it's able to keep you just floating. Then the gravity comes on again. After what feels like an hour of falling but seems like a ten-foot drop, you land. You pick your head up and look around.
The same gasses swirl around, the same colored "walls" surround this place. In the cneter, there's a huge ball of silvery, watery-looking gunk bound together. Thoughts, which appear to be coming from that entity, fill your mind. You try and push the stream of thoughts from your head, and after a little bit they begin to subside. You notice you have a huge headache as the thoughts echo around your mind.
You feel drawn in towards the silvery, watery entity. You move slowly towards it. You stop about a foot from it, and hear the thought, Touch me. Slowly, cautiously, you reach out a hand. You put it into the watery thing. You pull your hand out, and see that it is holding a rose with a silvery stem and rainbow pebbles. Beautiful, but not without its thorns. Dark, but not without its good points.
You begin to float. Higher and higher, until you leave the place and find yourself sitting in class with the teacher cracking a joke. You realize what that place, that thing, and that rose were. The human mind. No, deeper than that. The human psyche.

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